I wish I only lived at night.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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