Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
