My hand turned me down
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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