I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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