david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
