Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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