Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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