Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
