only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
