3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
