i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
