Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Randomize
