i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
