it was like having sex with a tree stump
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
