you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
