I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
