....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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