I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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