just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
