I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
