True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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