I feel like abortions should bother me more
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
