Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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