3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
