Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
