brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
