you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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