i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
