It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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