Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
