Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
