I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i will never coherently bang her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize
