I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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