i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
