I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
