Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
