My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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