You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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