I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
