he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just had sex on a roof
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
