Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
