so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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