sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
