Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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