Even the bartender felt bad for me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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