my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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