just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
