I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
