My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
