my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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