Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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